The Less I See Him
by ylime620
Summary: It's 1960 and Margaret has found her niche working in a civilian hospital, but one day her past catches up with her. (It was going to be similar to "The More I See You" episode but it's taking a direction of its own.)
1. Chapter 1

Abbott Northwestern Hospital

Minneapolis, MN

April 1960

The hospital was busy that day. There had been a major fire at the local factory. Rumors of arson were floating around, but Margaret paid no attention to them. She had gone into Major Houlihan mode and nothing and no one would snap her out of it. The emergency room was overflowing with burn victims and the surgeons were working at record pace to keep up. "All hands on deck" had never been so literal. The waiting room was full of families frantically searching for information. Security guards covered the doors, blocking the crowds and stopping the press from harassing the people inside. Margaret was multitasking with the dexterity of an octopus, giving orders in every direction. She found herself doing triage, comforting families, and even answering phones over the course of the day.

"Nurse!" one of the doctors yelled, "help get this man into the room."

She got the boy a wheelchair and pushed him over to the bed. He was covered in burns and she could nearly see his bones where the flesh had peeled off. Margaret was sharply reminded of Korea and had to take a deep breath to regain her composure and her focus. She put a salve and a temporary bandage on the burn and gave the young man some painkillers.

"The doctor will be back in a minute."

She knew it would be much longer than a minute before the doctor would return.

She heard one of the younger nurses call out to her.

"Nurse Houlihan! I need help!"

The girl was standing beside a group of children that were obviously in shock. Their eyes were wide and their faces full of confusion.

"Near as I can figure it, they were on a tour of the factory, some kind of class field trip."

The children looked unharmed.

"Take them into the quiet room over there. See if you can find their parents."

Margaret's heart broke for them, but she just swallowed her pain and moved on to the next room. She hadn't been involved in an emergency like this in seven years. _Not since Korea_ , she thought.

The next room was worse. A family sat crowded around the bed.

"Excuse me, but we can only have two visitors in the room at a time."

Five pairs of eyes turned to face her. The look on their faces scared her. Not because she felt threatened, but because of the hopelessness in their eyes. She hadn't seen that look in years. _Not since Korea_. She had to resist rolling her eyes. 'Not since Korea' seemed to be the recurring theme of the day.

Margaret turned her attention back to the family and walked over to the bed. She stopped short at the sight in front of her. A young woman lay there on the bed, tears in her eyes. She had scars all over her body and the worst burns Margaret had seen yet. Margaret quickly left the room to find the nearest doctor.

"Doctor, we need you in room 12. I don't think there's anything you can do, but someone needs to talk to the family."

The doctor followed Margaret into the room. Margaret's else welled up with tears when she saw the woman's young boys sitting beside her on the bed. The doctor pulled the husband aside and gave him news that the husband had surely realized already.

"The only thing we can do is make her more comfortable."

He turned to Margaret. "Nurse, can you get the morphine?"

Margaret left the room and returned a few minutes later. She showed the husband how to administer the painkiller and walked back into the chaos of the hallway.

She headed over to the nurses' station and looked at the paperwork for the day, checking on the status of the emergency. She was relieved to see that the ER was emptying out of burn patients.

"Nurse Houlihan, Dr. Jones said you should take a short break. We've all been worried since you've been working nonstop for the past 24 hours."

Margaret realized with a started that she also hadn't eaten in at least 12. "Ok Mary, I'll head over to the mess tent."

"The what, ma'am?"

 _Shit_ , Margaret thought. _I really have been in Korea mode today._

"I meant the cafeteria. It's just an old habit I picked up in the army."

"The army?"

Margaret remembered that she had only told a few people about her past. She felt more comfortable letting her work ethic speak for itself.

"I used to be a Major. I was head nurse for a M*A*S*H unit in Korea."

"Why'd you leave the army?"

"Well, I realized it had become my whole life and I was basing my identity around the fact that I was a major. One of my old friends helped me discover there was more to life than that. Although I'm afraid not much has changed. I'm not a major anymore, but my career as a nurse is still the most important aspect of my life."

The younger nurse looked surprised.

"Sorry. I don't know why I told you all that," Margaret apologized, also surprised at her uncharacteristic honesty. She had never told that to anyone or even thought about her "old friend" in years, so what had possessed her to open up to a young girl she hardly knew? _It must be the stress of this crazy day_ , she thought.

"Well, I think I'll go take that break now." Margaret excused herself and headed to the cafeteria.

On her way there, she stopped at her locker and picked up her journal. There was so much running through her mind that she needed to write and make sense of it all. She made her way through the lunch buffet that always reminded her of the mess tent, and sat down at a small table in the corner. She quickly ate her first meal in what felt like days. She pulled out her pen and journal and began to write:

 _I was scared today. Thinking about it now is too much to handle. Days like these are why I left the army. After Korea, I never thought I'd see such fear on children's faces or the desperation in these families' eyes. It all came back in waves and I need it to go away. I'm a different person now. Why did this have to happen today?_

Margaret looked up from her writing and realized she had smudged a few tears on the page. The Major Houlihan from 1950 would be confused; so many things had changed in the past decade. Now, she was grateful for these small moments of emotion because they reminded her it was ok to be human.


	2. Chapter 2

Margaret finished writing and looked up from her journal. She cleared her food from the table and headed back to the ER, passing by some nurses in the hallway who were whispering excitedly. Margaret knew instantly that they were either talking about that murder scene in _Psycho_ or someone important who had just arrived. She assumed it was the mayor or maybe even the governor coming to make a statement about the fire. As she drew closer to them, she overheard one of them mention a new surgeon.

"Mary told me they sent for him right before the fire, as though the hospital knew they'd need a surgeon trained in large scale trauma situations."

Margaret rolled her eyes. The gossip and drama in this hospital was as bad as the 4077th.

 _But we really do need a new surgeon_ , she admitted to herself. Even before this tragedy, there had been a shortage of talented doctors around. One surgeon even reminded her of Frank, minus the misguided respect for authority. Frank may not have known when to shut up, but at least he followed regulations. This doctor had the disrespect of a young Hawkeye Pierce along with the lack of talent of Frank Burns. He was also very fresh and persistent, making her feel uncomfortable on a regular basis. He was a jerk, and not the kind with a hidden heart of gold just waiting to be discovered by the right woman. As head nurse of the cardiac surgery unit, she was forced to work with him every day. This news of a new surgeon filled her with relief.

Margaret was startled out of her thoughts by a tap on her shoulder.

"Nurse Houlihan, I know it's not your usual spot, but the nurses are asking for you in the children's ward."

"Thank you, Sally. I'll head over right away."

Margaret turned around and went to the elevator. She stood there alone thinking about the craziness of the day and worrying about what she might find in the children's ward. The elevator jerked to a stop and Margaret walked down a cheery looking hallway filled with toy animals and balloons, She stopped at the nurses' station.

"I'm Nurse Houlihan. I was told my assistance was needed?"

"Yes ma'am. There's a young boy in room 803 who lost both his parents in the fire. He keeps asking for 'Nurse Maggie.' His chart shows he got his appendix out a few months ago and you were the nurse on duty."

Margaret's face fell. She remembered the boy and his parents. They were the kind of couple that she wished had raised her.

"Yes, I remember him," she said with a sigh. The last thing Margaret wanted to face today was another tragedy, but she knew she couldn't leave the boy alone.

Margaret stood in the doorway of room 803. She saw the seven-year-old sitting quietly on the bed. Another nurse came up behind her.

"He just calmed down. The doctor thinks he should sleep, but he wouldn't even try unless he saw you."

Margaret took a deep breath and walked inside the room.

"Nurse Maggie! They said you were coming."

"I'm here, James. Are you ok?"

"I think so, but I'm confused. They said Mommy and Daddy couldn't come see me. But I don't hurt nearly as much as I did last time. See?" He showed her the small burn on his leg. "That's all. If I'm not sick, why aren't they here?"

Margaret was filled with compassion for the boy, but dreading the news she had to give him. _I know it needs to come from someone he knows, but why me?_ she thought. She tried to remember if his parents had said anything about other family members who had died. _Hadn't his grandfather died last year? But what if he doesn't remember?_ she worried. _God, today is just full of worries, isn't it?_ She wished there were a professional counselor who could help her.

Margaret turned on the voice she had used when she told the soldiers their buddies had died. Those moments were easier though, because she knew they understood what she was telling them. Talking to a young child was a whole new experience.

"James, do you remember why you can't see your grandpa anymore?"

"He died. He's not here anymore. He's in heaven and I can't see him until I get there too."

 _That's a good start_ , Margaret thought.

"And do you know how you got that burn on your leg?"

"There was a fire. Lots of people got burns."

"It was very big fire. Some people had so many burns they couldn't survive. Some people even went to heaven, James."

"Were Mommy and Daddy in the fire?"

Margaret saw understanding and fear starting to grow in his eyes.

"Yes, they were."

"And they got burns too?"

"Yes, they did."

"Did they get lots of burns?"

"Yes, James."

"Are they ok?"

"No." She didn't want to sugar coat it. He was a smart kid.

"They're not here anymore?"

"No."

"Are they with Grandpa?"

"Yes."

"Ok." James was silent for a few minutes. Margaret wrapped her arm around his tiny shoulders.

"Can I sleep now?"

"Sure, sweetie."

"Mommy won't be here when I wake up, will she?"

Margaret teared up at the note of hope in his voice. "No, but I will," she reassured him.

* * *

"And this is our children's ward."

A hospital administrator led him down the hallways, giving him a tour of his new surroundings.

Hawkeye Pierce stopped suddenly when he heard a familiar voice. _It can't be…_ He knew she had left the army and was working in the Midwest, but this was just ridiculous. ' _Of_ _all the hospitals, in all the towns, in all the_ _world_ ,' he thought.


	3. Chapter 3

Six hours earlier, Hawkeye Pierce had stepped off the plane and onto the solid, reliable ground of a midwestern airport. After an hour cab ride to the outskirts of Minneapolis, he settled into the small hotel room that would likely be his home for the next month or so. He unpacked and then took a nap to try and sleep off the jetlag. He woke up a little while later and called the hospital. The hospital administration asked him to come right over for a tour of his new workplace. Hawkeye got to the hospital a few minutes later.

"Welcome to Minneapolis, Dr. Pierce. It's a pleasure to have you with us."

"Please, call me Hawkeye. Dr. Pierce makes me sound so official."

The administrator introduced him to his welcoming committee: "These are Drs. Jones and Williams, along with Nurse Sullivan."

Dr. Jones was an older gentleman and the head of general surgery, Richard Williams was the kind of young doctor Hawkeye tried to convince himself he still was, and Annie Sullivan was the confident and lovely head nurse of the children's ward who not so vaguely reminded Pierce of another spunky and confident head nurse.

The friendly trio led Hawkeye through the halls of the sleek and modern hospital. By the time they passed the cafeteria, Hawkeye was thoroughly impressed by its efficiency, the likes of which he hadn't seen in over seven years. _Not since Korea_ , he thought. As they stepped into the elevator on their way to the next stop, Hawkeye realized that was the second time today he had been reminded of Korea.

"Here we are - my personal favorite floor," Nurse Sullivan smiled. "I'm not just saying that because I've spent most of my life here. I find it truly amazing how much strength some of these children have in the face of so much pain."

The hallways were unusually full for a weekday. Nurses were pushing patients back and forth, calling for doctors in every room. A young woman came running up to Nurse Sullivan.

"Thank goodness you're back, ma'am. This fire has us pretty overwhelmed. A group of schoolchildren were involved and they're all scared and in shock. We just found out the boy in 803's parents died in the fire too," she said frantically.

Nurse Sullivan's face turned serious. "If you gentlemen will excuse me." She followed the younger nurse down the hallway.

"What was that all about?" Hawkeye asked.

"There was a major fire at the local factory," Dr. Jones responded. "There were casualties of all ages and our emergency room has been full for the last 24 hours."

Hawkeye began to get angry, the kind of anger that always hit him during major crises.

"The area around here is struggling and the factory is - was - the major source of employment. We still have no idea how the fallout with affect the town," Dr. Williams chimed in.

"If you're up for it, we can cut this tour short. You're looking a little restless," Dr. Jones observed.

"If you don't mind. Three years in a war zone was more than enough to prepare me for any disaster. I can't ignore them."

"Well hopefully no one can ignore them, but I understand your point. Let's take a look around and see where we're needed."

Hawkeye and Dr. Jones followed him down the crowded hallway. Hawkeye stopped for a moment when he noticed room 803. He saw Nurse Sullivan standing outside.

"How is he?"

"He's very confused. James visited the hospital a few months ago with his parents to have his appendix out and he doesn't understand why they can't be with him now."

Hawkeye was about to respond when he heard a soft voice, one that had haunted his dreams and memories for the past seven years. He peeked into the room and saw a familiar blonde figure resting on the bed, her arms wrapped around a tired little boy. Nurse Sullivan saw the surprise and recognition in his eyes and mistook them for pleasure at the sight of a beautiful girl.

"That's Margaret Holihan, our head nurse of surgery. She's one of the loveliest and most talented nurses we have. I'm told she served in Korea, just like you."

 _Just like me,_ he thought. _God, it's been so long. What do I do?_

 _Well, you could just say hi,_ his inner voice told him. _Any moment now she'll look up. How do you think she'll react when she sees you standing there, gaping at her?_

As usual, Hawkeye ignored the voice in his head and continued to watch Margaret Houlihan as she explained to this scared little boy why his parents wouldn't be there to see him in the morning.

Her voice was soft and kind, an unfamiliar but beautiful tone he had heard only a few times in his life.

"Will Mommy be here when I wake up?" He heard the little boy ask.

"No, but I will," was her sensitive reply. Hawkeye felt a rush of tenderness flow through his heart as he realized how foolish he had been to let her go.


	4. Chapter 4

Margaret sat beside James for a few more minutes. She looked at the sleeping boy's peaceful face and her mind went back to a few years ago when she was given a chance to look at a sweet face like that every night. He was perfect, or so she wanted to believe. She felt his heartbeat, in perfect sync with her own, as she held his tiny body against her breast. But a few hours later, her perfect baby boy turned out to have not such a perfect body. His tiny body shook with seizures and his face turned purple. Her years of training became useless as she sat in shock at the sight of her son in so much pain. All she could do was scream for a doctor. It happened so fast. He wouldn't stop seizing and when he finally did stop, it was over. Her perfect baby boy was no longer perfect.

Margaret took a deep breath and tried to push the memory away. It had taken over a year for her to start working with children again and she still avoided the maternity floor at all costs. She got up from the bed and walked over to close the curtains on the window. She took a quick glance at the pretty courtyard below and smiled at how different it was from the dusty ground of the M*A*S*H compound. In that moment, Margaret realized she was finally happy. _I'm probably the only person here who feels that way today_ , she thought. But her happiness was unrelated to this day full of pain. It sprang from the knowledge that she had a fulfilling job in a mostly peaceful kind of town. She was able to get to know her patients and enjoyed spending time with most of her coworkers. They had helped her through the most painful time in her life and today she was thankful to be able to pay back some of the love they had shown her. The young boy on the bed behind her was beautiful and precious. She promised herself she would do everything in her power to protect him, starting by being there when he woke up in a few hours.

"Margaret." She heard Nurse Sullivan call her name from the doorway. "There's someone you should meet."

 _Maybe it's the new doctor_ , she thought excitedly. Her hope was confirmed when she turned around and saw a tall man with thick, dark hair standing there beside the nurse.

Margaret's heart stopped as Hawkeye Pierce said his first words to her in over six years.

"What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?"

* * *

Hawkeye knew it was the wrong thing to say the moment the words left his mouth. Margaret's eyes widened in surprise and an inscrutable expression passed across her face. She stood there for what seemed to him like an eternity.

"I work here," she answered bluntly.

He had forgotten how beautiful her eyes were. His mind went back to a few years ago when they said their final goodbyes. Although neither of them had actually said those words, he realized. At the time, it was just wishful thinking, but today he was glad the phrase hadn't crossed his lips.

"You look nice." _Nice? C'mon Hawk. She deserves more than nice_ , he scolded himself.

"So do you."

Her voice was stilted, as though she were shocked, or confused. Or maybe a bit of both.

He stepped into the room, a little nervous about what might happen next. She took a few steps toward him and stood in front of him for a long moment. Suddenly, she wrapped her arms around his waist and buried her face in his chest. He started to smile at the familiar warmth of her arms around him, when he felt a wet spot on his shirt. Her body began to shake with sobs and when he tried to pull away and look in her eyes, she just held him tighter.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered a few minutes later. "It's just that this day has been hell and I was feeling so alone."

"I can believe it. I heard you talking to James."

"That was my 'Korea' voice," she admitted. "I've been using it all day and I hate it."

"I passed by a few casualties on the way to this room. I can't believe the severity of it all. Ouite the first day, huh?" He joked.

"Yeah," she replied.

Nurse Sullivan coughed in the doorway. They looked back in surprise as they remembered they weren't alone. Margaret quickly wiped her eyes and Hawkeye straightened his tie as they turned to face her.

"I see you two know each other," she said with a gentle smile. "Dr. Pierce, it seems you have the magic touch. I haven't seen Margaret hug anyone over the age of 15 in the five years she's been here."

"It took her about that long to hug me too," he replied.

"What prompted this little reunion?"

"We served together in Korea. This day has felt a lot like one over there, so I guess I kind of broke when I saw him. I'm sorry, Nurse Sullivan."

* * *

Margaret kept her eyes toward the floor, uncertain of the older nurse's reaction and a bit embarrassed by her own. She had no idea what a relief it would be when she finally saw him again. She knew it would eventually happen the moment her jeep pulled out of the compound. Saying goodbye to him had been the most painful farewell of her life, and neither could actually say the words. A breathless "see ya" was all she could manage.

Hawkeye appearance today was perfectly timed. All these painful reminders of her past now seemed much easier to deal with. She felt so safe in his arms. Nurse Sullivan was telling the truth. It really had been years since she had been in a man's arms and Hawkeye's were so comfortable.

"Nurse Sullivan was just showing me around when we stopped by this room. I suppose I should go finish the tour."

"Nonsense," Amy replied. "If Margaret wants to she can finish your tour. I'm sure she's more familiar with your interests than the rest of us."

She turned to Margaret. "Go on. I'll have someone let you know when James wakes up."

"Sounds like a good idea," Hawkeye agreed.

"I'll leave you two to your own devices. I get the feeling you'll fit in here pretty well, doctor."

"So do I," Hawkeye smiled.

Nurse Sullivan turned away and walked down the hallway.

"Where did you leave off?" Margaret asked.

"I was looking for some way to help actually. Dr. Jones filled me in on the fire situation."

"Well, this is the right floor to be on then. C'mon, I'll find us something to do."


	5. Chapter 5

Margaret led him down the crowded hallways, glancing over at him often to make sure he was really there. She had imagined him on more than one occasion and had a small worry that all this Korea talk had just activated that part of her memory. Yet every time she checked, there he was, walking beside her and cracking jokes about his "new home." Oh how she wanted that to be true! Maybe then this place could finally become her home too.

"Do you remember all those times we helped the kids from the orphanage?" His voice interrupted her thoughts.

"I've been thinking about them all day," she confessed. "This is worse."

"I know. At least it was easy to help them. All they needed were a few bandages and some vaccinations. You're going to have to operate on some of these kids, aren't you?"

"Yeah, they talked about calling me into surgery, but I haven't heard anything yet. You'll be able to observe if you want," she invited.

"I'd really like that. It's been awhile since I've seen you in action. I miss it."

Margaret laughed. "You sound like an old lover: 'I miss your body, baby.' Donald said that to me once." She rolled her eyes. "I ran into him when we were still in Tokyo. He tried to convince me he was still in love with me. A minute later a young woman walked over and placed her hand on his arm, showing off a wedding band with diamond chips in it. I just said goodbye with a smile and walked away. Some men never change."

"I must confess I have used that line in that context as well."

"Oh, I don't doubt it," Margaret smirked. "But I'll admit that I miss watching you work, too. Hopefully we'll get to do it again soon."

Margaret was both relieved and surprised at how easy it was to talk to him. It was as though six months had passed, not six years.

They stopped at the nurses' station and Margaret introduced him to the girls standing there.

"How'd you get the honor of showing the newest surgeon around? Isn't that usually Annie's job?"

Margaret paused. She wasn't sure if she wanted everyone to know that they had met before.

"Dr. Pierce's tour took him past my room and Annie had to take care of something else, so I got roped into showing him the ropes."

"Five minutes in and you've already picked up my worst puns," Hawkeye laughed.

"Looks like you made quite an impression, doctor," one of the other nurses commented.

Margaret just smiled and led Hawkeye away from the group.

"Where to next, Major?"

"Hawkeye, you don't need to keep calling me that," she insisted. "Believe it or not I left the army a long time ago."

"Maybe, but you've definitely been giving off some intense Major Houlihan vibes around your nurses."

"The girls we just met aren't _my_ nurses. They're my colleagues."

"Nurse Sullivan said you're the head nurse of the cardiac unit. That's pretty impressive."

"Thanks," she smiled, very proud of her position in the hospital.

* * *

Hawkeye couldn't stop grinning. It had been so long since he had let himself just enjoy the moment. The past seven years had been clouded and haunted by his memories of Korea. This was the third time he had moved hospitals in the past five years.

Hawkeye could tell by Margaret's smile that she was feeling the same way. He laughed when Margaret told her story about Donald. It was nice to realize that she hadn't fallen back into old habits once she left. He saw something deeper in her eyes though. He knew she had secrets and he hoped that he'd find out what they might be soon.

An announcement came over the intercom and interrupted his thoughts.

"Nurse Houlihan, please report to Dr. Williams' office on the second floor."

"Looks like our tour is being cut short, but you're welcome to accompany me downstairs if you want."

"If I want? Margaret, it's been seven years. I'm not letting you out of my sight anytime soon."

She laughed. "Ok then. Looks like the elevator is our next stop."

"Looks like it."

They were the only two in the elevator and they finally had a private moment. The hustle and bustle of the hallways were gone, replaced by an almost deafening silence. Hawkeye took this chance to really look at her again, trying to gauge what had changed and what was still the same. They stood close beside each other even though the elevator was empty.

"I can't believe we got an empty elevator." Margaret's voice broke the silence.

"It's so busy and noisy out there I expected it to be the same in here," Hawkeye replied.

"Me too," Margaret agreed as she turned to face him.

"You really love it here don't you? I can see it in your eyes."

"These people are really special to me now," she admitted. "It's been a long time since we said goodbye."

"I haven't found a place like this in a while. Do you know I've transferred to three different hospitals in the past five years? I'm moving around so much sometimes it feels like I'm still in the Army."

Margaret laughed. "It sounds like we've traded places. I came here about a year after the war. They promoted me to head nurse of cardiac surgery about two years ago."

"I'm proud of you. And jealous."

"You definitely shouldn't be jealous. I've had some major struggles too, you know. I'll tell you later, when we have more time."

"Speaking of time, shouldn't we be on the second floor by now?"

"Oh my goodness, we forgot to press the button!"

They both laughed as they realized their mistake.

"That's what I get for getting lost in your eyes, I suppose," Hawkeye confessed.

Margaret smiled. "At least we had a few minutes to ourselves." She reached out to push the button, but Hawkeye pulled her hand away.

"What about a few more minutes?" He asked, feeling unusually sentimental. _Maybe it's the lack of air in here_ , he thought. _We are in close quarters._

"What about it?" Margaret answered softly.

Hawkeye took another step closer and gently touched her cheek. She smiled up at him, looking as though she knew exactly what he was thinking. He saw the answer he wanted in her eyes and leaned down to kiss her. Her lips were as lovely and soft as he remembered and he smiled when she responded eagerly.

The elevator door opened suddenly and another doctor stepped inside. The man smirked when he saw their arms around each other.

"Well, hello Margaret. I thought you didn't date doctors," he said with a sneer.


End file.
